Thank you for joining me LIVE from the Emmy Red Carpet. And of course, by ‘LIVE’ I mean real time, as it happens. And by “from the Emmys” of course I mean from my chair with custom bum grooves 4 ft from the TV. of course…
Greatest thing about MY vantage point, is that I’m wearing Wal-mart flannels (and loving it!), I actually ATE dinner, and I can judge those struggling to walk in their tight (no breath) dresses from the comfort of an elastic waist band. My life is awesome…could use a paycheque like Charlie Sheens to make it fully complete, but I digress…
Here we go!
- I’ll be bitter when it’s a sunny 29 at the Oscars while I’m shoveling snow.But tonight, It’s like, 35 degrees in Toronto … so I’m feeling pretty darn good about my life right now.
- Useless helicopter shot…we get it, the Hollywood sign is iconic. and unless Jake Pavelka is flying that plane, this could not be a less original way of opening the show.
- Jane Lynch in purple…errr, tafida. She looks far better in her warm-ups. sorry. She doesnt shy away from shamefully promoting Adidas track suits. Which gives me an idea…Hey Walmart, I only wear YOUR flannel lounge pants. You’re welcome.
- Inside the theatre, another annoying talking head. And she’s the only one there…oooo, exclusive!
- My night is complete…there’s Betty White. 88 years old and by far the most interesting person invited to the show…
- Claire Danes with Oprah’s adopted gay best friend (Nate Berkus, no doubt here to drum up promotion for his new show…) talks mostly about her dress and the price of her diamonds. Hint: no one wants to hear that your bracelet is worth more than their entire family would be worth on the black market.
- Tina Fey chose that dress herself. obviously.
- Jimmy Fallon is going to make alot of cracks about Jersey Shore… beware. I’ll have to start explaining it to my mom starting now…
- Jane Kra…k…owski (?) no relation to the Office guy. right? Although, that would be cute… hmmm. Am I the first to think that? In midnight blue, doesnt seem to fit the California sun and heat. (btw, Nate Berjus needs to stop channeling his inner-Oprah… it will start to come off…Gayle-esque)
- Glenn Close and her daughter are wearing twin-armor-dresses. A little bit museum-chic…but, classy.
- Kate Gosselin could not get any less watchable live. Honestly, I’ve watched BBC news anchors with more personality than this woman…unreal. She gives hope to my idea of making “paint drying vs wax melting” into a hit reality show.
- January Jones did some form of narcotic before hitting the red carpet. and she opted to wear her sleeping bag.
- Eva Longoria in black.Yawn. And my lunch lady in highschool had her earrings…seriously.
- Chris Colfer went for the obvious. A tux and a music note brooch. He looks like half the guys in MY performing arts highschool at the final concert.
- Carry Ann Inaba pretty much confirms The Hoff and The Situation are new cast members. And Nate just asked what her bathroom looks like…um, no words.
- Another tux…why dont the guys go out on a limb every once and a while? I want to see some pale blue and ruffles before night end.
- Jewel is pretty in pink. But…not to be mean, she seems a little out of place. Where’s Snooki?
- Back to Tina Fey…dress kinda sucks. But nice to see some originality. Cant wait to hear an inappropriate acceptance speech tonight…
- GLEE head-hotty Matt Morrison…ok, a bow tie. I’m swooning a bit. Thank goodness he brought a middle-aged balding side kick as a date…I would too.
- Room is filling upnow, and NBC wisely counteracted their skinny talking head with the fiery Wanda Sykes. Funny, how we cant get through an evening without talking about Lindsey Lohan. Like dinner time at my house.
- John Hamm has Ken-doll hair. it doesnt move. But then, niether does Billy Bush’s face.
- Every guy is in black…excpet Tracey Morgan. go figure…
- And every man is suddenly coming into the room for Sophia Vargara and her pretty hair. And Billy Bush has decided to give her Nike cross trainers, and say that he doesnt want to see her naked. This is the most awkward segment on TV…
- Oh wait, there the indoors-talking-head again…asking Julie Bowen about her desire to run naked. I think I’d rather ask her about her desire to eat…something. anything.
- And Lea Michele wears bangs and a stage smile to the Emmys. She also eats cupcake candles, and didnt think about the consequences…wax between the teeth during an interview can be very uncomfortable. Let’s sing a song about it.
- And now the official ‘wrap up’, let’s bring in the ‘expert’. Yawn… “she was in blue” “she looked like a princess” “her style is so comfortable” … funny, it’s like they are peering through the TV screen to a certain blogger in Toronto rocking her Emmy outfit. I’d again, like to thank the bargain bin at Walmart for this number…
Let the real show begin… hit it Jimmy!