Ready folks? ‘Serious’ Award season will begin tonight at the 2012 Golden Globes.
Here are my Pre-Awards, Red Carpet Awards…
Best use of double sided tape: charlize theron
Best ‘ keep your eyes up’ or risk looking like a creepy tongue wagger : sophia vargara
what are you doing here…. heidi klum
Biggest style of the night? mermaid dresses and head bangs (remember those?)
Best walking wax figures: Brangelina
Biggest Debbie Downer moment: The “war and rape” bomb Angelina drops on Ryan Seacrest.
Colour fad of the night: midnight blue/purple
Biggest waste of a bangin’ body: Mila Kunitz wearing blah blah black.
Cups runneth over… Reese Witherspoon. I will say no more.
Regretting that gaudy tattoo and dye job: Kelly Osbourne (surprised?)
Best use of ‘edgy gloves’ to hide age veins… Madonna
‘I left my best accessory’ at home… Jessica Biel (you know what I mean).
Best Baby weight rebound: Jessica Alba… ugh, pass the depression food.
Most effortless, dress I might actually wear… Claire Danes.
aaaand we’re going in….curtains up, turn the channel from E! to NBC…
First Kardashian joke of the night. Stars are SO awkward in these situations. They hate to laugh at ‘their own’.
With so many SNL and ex Snl-ers in the audience, tough crowd for Ricky.
It’s funny, they all know its coming, they all know what to expect, they’re all actors… but everyone has trouble gracefully reacting to Ricky. Amazing.
However, when in doubt, bring out the man of mystery himself… Johnny Depp. He ‘brings down the house’ not in the way you might think, introducing the first best picture nominee Hugo. Good thing Johnny’s alreayd a mega star… his personality would be a PR nightmare.
First award of the night, Best Supporting Actor (movie): Christopher Plummer
…the only time tonight he’ll have something other than a drink in his hands.
Ashton Kutcher is here…boo hiss…right?
Best Actress TV comedy: Laura Dern
and she’s wearing a sequinned Mr Rodgers cardigan… I’m jealous, it’s stunning…suddenly my Roots sweats arent as hot as I thought they were.
Best Mini Series: Downton Abbey
… obviously Brits, they stick out like pale un-Hollywood thumbs beside Rob Lowe.
Best Actress Mini Series: Kate Winslet
The almost perennial winner… she is like Meryl Streep, except when she’s nominated, she always wins.
Frida Pinto, easily the most beautiful woman in the room, presents the next nominated film, Midnight in Paris.
Jake Gyllenhall emerges, and reminds us all of his beautiful blue eyes… oh, and presents another nominated film My Week with Marilyn.
Drama TV series (Actor): Kelsey Grammer
My trashy gossip sense are tingling. His wife is seriously reconsidering some of those nasty things she said about him this year. She made her decision, she couldve been sitting at the table “eating” chicken and accepting gratitude for his career.
TV Series Drama: Homeland
everyone in the room claps like they’ve seen the show…more than half of them haven’t, guaranteed.
For a music category, the producers get Adam Levine from Maroon 5 to present…makes sense.
Best Original SCore: The Artist
…and they stick the winner in the furthest corner away from the stage and Angelina Jolie as possible.
Best Original Song: Masterpiece (Madonna)
…you think I’m joking. And my wish was granted… they cut to Elton John during her underwhelming, falsely humble speech, He has the same look on his face as I do.
Best Actor Mini Series: Idris Elba
…thanking ‘the fans’ is SO MTV Awards or Peoples Choice. The Globes is ALL about the HFP and your agent.
Brad Pitt rocks a bowtie, and presents his buddy George’s vehicle The Ides of March.
A Mismatch made in Hollywood heaven, Seth Rogen and Kate Beckinsale
Best Actress Comedy: Michelle Williams
…such a ‘funny’ film. But Michelle is lovely, etherial…a class act. Would’ve like to have seen a Kristen Wiig speech not gonna lie.
Ricky says it like it is…George Clooney hams it up and reciprocates the favour for his buddy Brad by presenting Moneyball.
Two pretty people present…
Best Animated Film: The Adventures of Tin Tin
What?! But it isn’t a Pixar! Oh… Steven Spielberg. Gotcha.
Ewen McGregor looks dapper, and presents the nominated 50/50.
Clive Own and Nicole Kidman… who looks better than she has on years. Seriously. No joke.
Best Screenplay: Midnight in Paris
…the first no-show.
The BEST presentation … ever? Thanks for the diddly Felicity and William.
Best Supporting Actress TV series: Jessica Lang
…Yep, the screamer from King Kong.
Madonna, the obvious choice to present the Foreign film category…
Foreign Language Film: A Separation
…how many of us gossip mongers wanted Angelina to accept an Award from Madonna?
Best Actress Tv SEries Drama: Claire Danes
…rivals only Kate Winslet in her ability to charm the pants off HFP every year, or so it seems.
Still thrills me to watch a short snippet of Bridesmaids…at the Golden Globes.
And out comes two fabulously funny women (kind of a theme tonight…) Tina fey and Jane Lynch to present…
Best Actor TV Series Comedy: Matt Leblanc
…who thought HE’D be the most critically accepted ‘Friend’?!
Sexiest Man Bradley Cooper…needs to rethink his facial hair…and presents:
Best Supporting Actress: Octavia Spencer (The Help)
…enough of the cast was nominated, is this like a team edward vs team jacob thing?
‘Table 10’ looks like a fun bunch… in comparison to table 1 where Angelina is talking ‘war and rape’ all night long.
Sydney Poitier gets a big standing O (no Oprah’s not there) for ovation. a fitting choice to give Morgan Freeman a lifetime achievement award. He is the KING of the dramatic pause, no?
Helen Mirren, has oodles of charisma… this is a great year for Women at the Globes. She leads the audience into a standing O for Morgan Freeman to take the stage.
*sidenote… are we seeing less Ricky this year? He has been MIA for at least 3 commercial breaks…
Robert Downey Jr (wakes me up) looks absolutely dashing, and presents the nominated film The Artist.
Angelina makes her husband smile by gracing the stage and presenting…
Best Director Film: Martin Scorsese
…this satisfies the entire audience who have all either worked with him, pretend to know him, or wish they could meet him.
finally, Ricky returns. He’s getting the same amount of screen time as George Clooney at this point.
Salma and Antonio…make me feel even worse about my life by how perfect they are…sigh. Oh and they present…
Best TV series Comedy: Modern Family
…the 30 Rock of the past 2 years. Watch as the stage fills up with cast members, and Sofia va-va-va-voom Vargara gets to be front and centre.
Michelle Pfieffer presents the nominee War Horse. Grab a tissue.
Jessica Biel, ironically wearing white…already. Lets hope her wedding dress isn’t as ill-fitted.
Best Actor Film: Jean DuJardin The Artist
…HFP showing a lot of love for the French tonight.
Best Actress, Drama: Meryl Streep
Best Actor: George Clooney
…Oh, the Oscars are gonna be goooood.
Best Film: The Artist